To the Ephemeral First
There are certain things I never got to tell you.
I know it's pointless to say it now, but I just want to say for the record, that it meant something to me. I'm not good at expressing feelings because I don't like to be vulnerable. So I never really got to tell you how special you were to me then.
Is it silly to hope that maybe somewhere, in a parallel universe, different versions of us had more time together?
There were so many things I still wanted to do with you. There were so many things I still wanted to ask and tell you.
When I said I wanted to freeze time at that moment, I really did. I wish I could put time in a bottle, along with the melody you played for me.
When I asked you if you really wanted to know... you should have said yes. Cause then I would have told you that you were the one I liked most. And if you decided you also wanted me, I would have said I wanted to be with you.
When you told me you waited for me til midnight, what I didn't tell you is that I WAS THERE. Just as I said I would be. I was ten meters away but I couldn't find the courage to come closer. You didn't answer my call. I was terrified. I was scared that if we crossed that line, my feelings would grow and if it meant nothing to you, I would be devastated.
I didn't tell you that I watched you play from a far, pining like a teenage girl straight from a high school movie. I was powerless and had no idea how to deal with it. So I distanced myself, and surely enough, you didn't come running after.
When that glass slipped through my hand and shattered on the floor, I was thinking about how your eyes would light up when you talked about her. And how I could never meet that ideal of the girl you really wanted.
When you greeted me on Christmas, I wish you said you wanted to see me, not out of temporal yearning. But that's all you really wanted, and I was a fool to have hoped otherwise.
When we said goodbye for the last time, I wanted to tell you all these. But I didn't. Maybe it turned out for the best. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
Even before it all started, I told you: "Maybe we're just passersby in each other's lives." And it proved prophetic.
I'm happy you found your dream girl. I'll always admire your passion and I'll be rooting for you to fulfill all your grand ambitions.
That one night, I lie awake and watched you sleep. For that fleeting expanse of time, I was in love with you. I'm not sure about before or after, but I loved you in that moment.
