The art of letting go

***

06 June 2018

Last night, but really, it was this morning, I have decided to stop holding on and I told him as much.

I asked if he will ever give us a chance to be together. I got my answer, and it was a no.

I still am very much in love with him. The feelings did not, in fact, just magically go away.

But he’s probably right. I would have wanted him to meet me half-way. But that means there was so much we had to change about ourselves just so we can be together. He was right. We would have lost ourselves, what we are, just to make togetherness work. Who we are is more important for us than being together.

That doesn’t make it any fucking less painful to not be with him. I miss him every day and wished he went home to me.

But we both have too much ego. None of us was gonna bend their will for the other. And that’s my greatest fault in this story. I’m too strong-willed while everyone else he was with surrendered to him. I loved him but changing who I am to fit his mold would have been to lose myself. I was too obstinate for him. He needs someone softer, easier, and more amenable. He was an unstoppable force and I was an immovable object.

I wish I could rewrite the stars to make us right for each other. If we can’t be together in this life, I’ll wait for you in the next. That’s the only thing that feels right for now. The idea that I should stop loving you gives me constrictions in my chest. So I will just love you while I do. That’s the only way I can make sense of it.

Some people can’t be left alone with their thoughts. Well, I can’t be left alone with my feelings. The heaviness in my chest just keeps leading me to you. You’re still the bottomline. My feelings for you are not letting up.

13 June 2018

Have you ever been so acutely aware of someone’s absence in your life?

It feels like a hole only that person could fill?

You know how when you go to beautiful places, it always feels surreal and dream-like, as if you’re just watching as life unfolds before you, like you’re not really there but could just as well be watching a video or viewing a photo from the internet.

On the other hand, in the mundanity of life, everyday living feels like a matrix. And you could just as well be watching a television show in which you are the protagonist.

In both these scenarios, the similarity is I’m always just in my head all of the time. I appreciate everything that’s going on around me, and I make a canned response as society would expect or to please the people around me. But everyone is just so predictable. And seeing beauty from afar is just a passive act.

Now the complete opposite of this, is what people would usually call, feeling alive. And that’s how I feel when I’m with him. Doesn’t matter where we are, what we’re doing. When I have his attention, I feel like the world is right. Like I’m complete. Like I don’t need to be anywhere else. Like I’m right where I belong. Like I’m home.

14 June 2018

Do you wake up with a constriction in your chest and it’s emotionally, psychologically, and physically painful?

I breathe in and I can feel the physical pain in my chest.

Living and breathing is physically painful in the chest.

2:19 pm

You didn’t even matter enough for him to take a chance. You weren’t even worth the trouble of trying. You weren’t special enough for him. He believes he’s too special for you.

5:17 pm

Stop holding on to the morsels of attention he gave you. Aren’t you worth more than some leftover love?

18 June 2018

“Oh, honey, I’m too good for you. But you can love me from afar.”

The two of you have something beautiful. An undeniable chemistry even other people can’t help but notice. You have a great friendship. And yet all of that is not enough. He can’t see himself being with you. You’re not good enough for him to take that chance. You want to practically beg him to love you back. But you just know it doesn’t work that way and no matter how much you try, you can’t change someone’s heart. You can’t force a love that just not there.

1:41pm

Sometimes, all the toxic feelings would leak, at random.

That’s how he really is. You can’t change him to suit your idea of what’s right

2:10pm

Please don’t leave me alone with my thoughts. They haunt me.

2:26pm

Please get him off my chest.

2:43pm

I hate you for not choosing me. I hate you for not wanting me as much as I want you. I know I don’t have a right to feel this way. But I do.

2:54pm

Breathe deep, Moonshine. Just accept everything as it is. It’s all part of the divine plan.

21 June 2018